I liked Kim Jong-un better when he sang Gangnam Style.
Behind every entitled shit-head kid is a parent who cuts the crusts off their sandwiches.
What idiot named it prozac instead of sadvil
"Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?" - how waiters should greet people
At Starbucks I order under the name Godot. Then leave.
Nice try, blocked number but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.
The cashier at McDonald's was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby's bottle.
I bet sex with a stingray is like fucking a giant pancake.
Jurassic Park- making you afraid of vibrating water since '93.
Imagine a sister store to Cold Stone Creamery where you can buy a bucket of mashed potatoes with "mix-ins." Hot Mash Potatery